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It doesn’t make me panic or want to leave — it just sort of sits quietly in the back of my mind.I bring it up with him because I want to make sure I’m doing the right thing for both of us.I’ll be sitting at dinner hearing all their crazy stories and have absolutely nothing to bring to the conversation.I think that’s part of the reason close female friendships have been missing from my life.I never got the chance to bond with my single girlfriends over those shared experiences of past relationships, exes, shitty dates.I’m turning 30 this year and have started to get a bit reflective about that.But it’s never really been a for him, or so he tells me.
I guess neither of us were strong-willed enough, or wanted to break up enough.
We never took a break; I never properly broke up with him.
The idea of, “Let’s break up for a year, do some exploring and then touch base,” has always scared me. What if, during that time, one of us found another person? I like the idea of loyalty, and I don’t want to share love.
I don’t want us to have a midlife crisis because of an issue we didn’t address when we were younger.
It would be nice to be able to call him my husband, I guess.